| Dear Carolyn: You mentioned the importance of people feeling heard and what a difference it can make. I agree, but I’m a constant witness to my sister-in-law, “Jane,” not extending that kindness to my mom. My mom is a super homemaker; no one cooks or cleans like her. She knows that, so she tends to offer advice. It can be a little annoying but also completely harmless and well-meaning. When she does it to me, I always say her way sounds better and agree to give it a try. To her credit, she never points out that I rarely follow through; she’s happy if I just agree with her. After a recent holiday, she offered suggestions to Jane about the dinner. If you’re wondering why not my brother instead, it’s because if it had been up to him, we’d have had takeout on paper plates. Later, she did offer him a suggestion about how he was washing dishes, which he handled like I do. The things my mom said to Jane weren’t mean or malicious, and it wouldn’t have taken any effort for Jane to agree that the tablecloth would have looked better if it had been ironed, that the salad vegetables were a little underdone, that loose tea is better than bags. But my sister-in-law answers as if she said something else. Like when my mom said the tablecloth needed to be ironed, Jane said, “Yes, we got that in France. Isn’t it lovely?” It’s weird and hurtful. My brother said he thinks Jane’s way is “clever,” but it’s not to my mom. She even talked on the way home about how Jane ignores and “talks down to” her. Can I try discussing this with Jane, since she is not the sort to be deliberately hurtful? — Constant Witness | 
