| Dear Carolyn: My mom was not a gentle parent. I did not feel loved or protected growing up. All my needs were met, generously, even — international travel, music lessons, tuition — and I’m Gen X so I’m surrounded by experiences like mine, and I’m okay. My mom used to defend her parenting and reminded me how I deserved what I got or didn’t get, etc. I’m over that, too. But I raised my daughter differently. She was a clingy child, so I held her, for years. She was a sensitive tween, so I was gentle with her. My mom criticized me, insisting I needed to “let her get some independence” or “toughen her up.” Now she’s in college and wonderfully strong, hardworking, self-aware and exceedingly kind. We are very close. She has started writing my mother letters because she knows mom’s lonely since her husband died. And NOW my mom has started in with this weird, guilty, self-reflective narrative that makes me wildly uncomfortable. She talks about how wonderfully my daughter turned out and how she regrets my upbringing. It comes up almost every time we talk, when she asks about my daughter. If I say we went shopping “and this hilarious thing happened...,” then she’ll start self-flagellating over how she and I never had fun shopping together and she should have been more easygoing. I would have welcomed these conversations in my 20s, but I’m 50 and I’ve done my work. I don’t want this. Any insights? — Narrative shift |
