Am I Too Traumatized to Feel Close to My Partner? (Reader Asks)

Welcome to my feminist advice column. You can read all previous entries HERE. For those of you who want to write me a letter, you can fill in THIS FORM directly. I will answer your question in a letter here in about a month (or potentially more, my backlog is a bit crowded, sorry!).

Reader Asks: I Can’t Tell If I’m Traumatized, Burnt Out, or Just Done With My Relationship

"I'm 25 and I feel like a reached a point in which I don't know if the things I'm going through are a legitimate couple crisis, the effects of past trauma, exhaustion or simply the fact that I don't want my current life anymore. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, with lots of violence and instability. Ever since I was a child I learned to tip toe and I probably do it unnecessarily today, even when the situation doesn't objectively require it. I learned to adapt and anticipate other people's reactions and to avoid conflict. When I was 13 I had a failed suicide attempt and ended up in intensive psychiatric care, nothing similar ever since. I am now in a relationship with a man 13 years older than me and we have a 3-year old little boy diagnosed with autism and special care requirements.

Over time, our relationship went through a lot of infidelity (from him), frequent fighting, a lack of respect and physical violence. The physical violence started rather early, stopped during my pregnancy and continued after birth: some slaps, hits with his fists, shoves, hair pulls and a few situations when I was pushed to the ground. Most frequently he doesn't hit me, though, just hits and smashes objects. For a long time I modified my behavior to avoid upsetting him. I just automatically go into this freeze mode, and he often tells me that it's my fault he got angry and I often believe him.

On the other hand, I appreciate how nice and caring he can get sometimes after these episodes, he can get very affectionate and attentive. I accept these makeup gestures and I can talk to him normally, but I still feel like on the inside I'm not really feeling it and I'm just wearing this mask of an understanding partner because emotionally I am still hurt but I can't really show it because I'm scared he would get angry again if I don't get over it faster. I feel like it's harder for me than it should be to switch from bad moments to good ones and be close with him again, probably because of my past trauma. For about a year and a half I feel like I lost any will to live and I just spend my days buried in house work and caring for our child. I feel zero closeness to him and I flinch inside when he wants to touch me although I'll allow him to have sex with me so that I don't provoke a fight.

I feel like our relationship is now purely a transaction and that if I could afford to live separately with our child I would move tomorrow, but then I feel guilty for using my boyfriend just for money. Sometimes I remember the good times with how it used to be and I feel a lot of longing for the man he was before. I'm wondering whether my emotional withdrawal is caused by my past trauma, or the exhaustion of caring for a child with special needs, or if we should try couples therapy before I call it quits. The guilt is eating away at me whenever I feel like he initiates some gestures of repair and I'm not really open to it."

My Answer: You’re Not Failing at Repair. There Is Nothing to Repair.

If I strip away all the questions you’re asking yourself about your trauma, your exhaustion, your son’s needs, your age, and whether you’re somehow failing to reconnect with your partner, there is one very simple fact left: you’re in an abusive relationship. Not a difficult relationship or one going through a rough patch. You’re not relationship where both of you have communication issues that couples therapy might sort out.

Your partner has repeatedly hit you, shoved you, pulled your hair, knocked you to the ground, smashed things, terrified you into changing your behavior, blamed you for his violence, and continued having sex with you when you didn’t want it because you were afraid of what would happen if you said no. That’s abuse by any reasonable definition. This man is a batterer and a rapist, I’m sorry for my bluntness.

I know you’re trying very hard to figure out which part of your own psychology explains why you can’t get back to feeling close to him. Maybe it’s your childhood trauma. Maybe it’s the exhaustion of caring for a three-year-old with significant additional needs. Maybe you’ve been through so much that your nervous system is simply fried.

But I think you’re looking at this backwards.

You learned as a child to anticipate moods, prevent explosions, freeze, appease, and pretend everything was fine. Of course those skills followed you into adulthood. They helped you survive. They just aren’t evidence that you owe an abusive man endless chances.

No, he’s not attempting any ‘repair’

Those gestures he makes after he hurts you aren’t really repair. Repair requires accountability. It means acknowledging what you did, understanding the harm you caused, taking responsibility without explaining it away, and changing the behavior. “I’m really affectionate after I beat you” isn’t repair. Neither is acting loving until the atmosphere feels normal again. In fact, that cycle can be incredibly confusing because the tenderness arrives precisely when you’re still processing what happened. In time, this can kill your perspective on what’s what.

It could be his shame, as part of the abuser’s shame spiral. Most likely it’s a strategic attempt to force you to return to acting normal around him even if you don’t feel like it. But you don’t have to perform forgive